the darker side of parenting

i've been kicking this blog around in my head for a while, and even now i hesitate to post it. i'm going to admit to some serious weakness here y'all and i'm not joking so sit down. my children are a blessing. everyday they teach me about God's love and His ideal relationship with His children. so often i see the sweetness inherent in their little souls and i am humbled more than i can say. but it's not all rainbows and basking in grace induced bliss, sometimes it's dark. sometimes i'm pregnant (often in fact) and hormonal or post partum and depressed, or to be brutally honest some times i'm just purely human and i just feel myself starting to break. our oldest child, if he were thrown to the wolves of a public school would probably be termed "special needs". we say he has "his little thing goin' on" and, well he's a challenge. that small boy saved my life, so i owe him big time and it's a good thing too because that fact pulls me back from the edge. a lot. being a parent is hard. being a spouse is hard. i give and receive more love on a daily basis than i have any right too, and still it's just a hard job. and so there are those dark times. times where i just want to puke so hard i'll die because i'm doing the first trimester roller-coaster again and instead of loving my family vacation with our best friends i stare at the waves and try to imagine how it would feel if.... if.... if maybe through completely uncontrollable circumstances tristin was pulled away. and what i'm trying to to is imagine that it would hurt. because at that time, in that dark scary time, it doesn't seem like it would. there are days when i just need a quick nap. the baby has been up all night teething, i pushed to get that extra bit of house work done, the crazy pinwheel that is my brain wouldn't stop spinning, and so i haven't slept in what feels like days and i just need sleep. and all the house is quiet and the babies are so close.... and he has one of his bizarre explosions. some noise just gurgles over and he just can't get a grip. and i just want to choke him until he can't make noise any more, because God help me at that moment i really do want just a little something, just a scrap of sleep, to keep me going more than anything else. it's selfish and i know it but i just want some blessed oblivion. or i want to read a news article, and pretend like i'm an adult for a few minutes but our second son has seen a bug/animal/dust mote in the air and wont stop asking questions even after i have tears in my eyes because i need to do something for myself but i can't because in their way children are thieves and they steal from you. time. sanity. health. peace. it's a price. all things bright and beautiful have a price. our beautiful Liturgy says it every week "a sacrifice of praise..." looking for the ray of light? so am i buddy, so am i. the thing is, it passes. you force yourself to breathe. you remember "let Us make him in Our likeness, and image" and you find a way to let it go. just for a minute. you look at that tiny face and see your Saviour and even if you can't truly be a better person you can act like one. i don't want pity. i don't deserve it, plus it makes me uncomfortable. i just want to be honest. i just want to get it out there. i'm human. i fail. i hate. i envy. i get bloody furious. but i also pray. and so the darkness comes and goes like the tide. it never completely takes over, but it also never completely leaves, because even if you can't see it you know that it's going to come knocking again. and all i can do is thank God every night for giving me this struggle, and giving me the strength to fail, and get back up. and giving these sweet boys such boundless forgiveness in their hearts. i've been pretty active off and on with the pro life debate (can you call it that? the proper term escapes me) and i see all these people going back and forth about when IT is a person or not, that all children are blessings, that all life is beautiful... and i feel like YES BUT but but.... it's like my Tanta used to say "you add some salt, because the salt helps you taste the sugar" and i think that one of the things that is being stolen from us crusaders for the family is honesty. this job is hard! it sucks! it's dirty and gross and it hurts. these little people come into your life and take everything, it's hard to be happy with out them, they can absolutely crush you with a single gesture (the baby only wants papa/mama he doesn't want me, all he does for me is cry), and you only have a measure of control for the rest of your life because just because they turn 18 doesn't magically mean you're not a parent any more. yes, it's beautiful, but who ever said that meant we couldn't admit the ugly parts? so here it is, my Achilles tendon, i'm putting a big red target right on it. i have four boys. i might have more, God willing. it's hard. sometimes i don't want to do it anymore. i'm often tired. sometimes i lock myself in the bathroom and call my husband so i can cry and threaten not to come out till gets home. it's a mess. a beautiful, wonderful, awe inspiring mess. on the other hand don't be surprised if you read in the local paper some day that i was booked for finally punching someone in the nose for saying "four? oh my, you have your hands full!" because it's a mess, but it's MY mess damn it, and i love it. i did it on purpose. and don't. you. dare. tell me that i shouldn't have had this many, or that maybe i better stop. if you really believe what you say you do, and you really think that God has your best interest at heart, then if he says to you "one, more honey, you can do it, i promise" how can you say no? how do you dare turn your back on that? let's get with it people, it's called faith, and either you have it or you don't. and that darkness? it's there, but it's not ever lonely, because i always have someone there with me, and all i have to do to see Him is grab one of my kids. if i can catch them.... 

Peanut buttery cookie goodness

Okay peeps here it is the official Roundtree Cottage approved gluten free peanut butter chocolate chip cookie. I've been playing with this one for a while. 1 cup sugar, 1 egg, 1 ripe banana, 1 cup peanut butter, 1 teaspoon baking powder, 1/2 cup chocolate chips (optional but why not?), 1 rounded teaspoon kosher salt, 1/4 to 1/8 cup golden flax seeds (to taste). Slice the banana thinly, cream together with sugar, add egg and beat until thick and creamy, add vanilla, peanut butter, salt, and baking powder. Mix well. Fold in chips and flax seed, rest in fridge for 20 minutes. Spoon drop onto baking sheets about 3 inches apart using small soup spoons. Bake at 350 for 12 minutes, enjoy! You can grind the flax if you want, or use flax meal, but whole golden seeds is what i had. If you're going the flax meal route cut back a bit. Ima warn you now, the batter looks odd, but it's SO GOOD. In cooke form that is, i did't dive into the batter once, and i'm not makin that up to look cool. It is some freaky lookin batter y'all. But don't take my word for it, try it! 

gettin' real

we're having pop corn for dinner. that's all. really. because holy humidity it's hot up here y'all. if you're wondering if this is where i turn it all around and this becomes a recipe for really awesome pop corn with bacon and hot sauce, it's not. sorry cat lady, you're gonna have to get your recipe for POP CORN elsewhere (because really???) also, if you're thinking "golly, i bet she does something really cool, where she uses corn kernels and oil and salt and teaches the kids about blessed Saint Hemma of the eye afflictions " no. just no. stop it. i'm taking a night off, the kids and Austin are watching cartoons, and i see a nice cold beer in my near future. this is real life in the cottage, just incase you were wondering. oh, friday we'll probably have filet mignon with sautéed mushrooms and some fancy something on the side, but today it's summer and we're here to relax. 

How does this work again?

Well hello..... So it's been almost a year since I posted, what with having a baby and all I've been a bit busy. I've also been suffering under this illusion that if I didn't have a recipe to talk about I didn't have anything to 'blog'. False. For instance I have an opinion regarding fish that I would like to share. Also I have recently discovered the joy of Dim Sum, and that is truly lovely. But mostly I need to pull myself out of my post partum hibernation and get back to normal life! So with much creaking and groaning and false starts I intend to get back to at least once a week posting. Oh, about the fish, Swai Basa. Delicious. I've dredged it in corn meal and fried it and it was lovely, and recently I cooked it in yellow curry with chickpeas, carrots, and butter and that was also lovely. It's great stuff, I highly recommend it.

Chicken stock

okay, remember when we were discussing whether or not to peel veggies, and i advised against it? remember that i further suggested keeping the tips and tops of carrots for chicken stock? remember the deafening sound of all those eyes rolling as they read that post? i do. but really, it can be done, and it's not hard at all. what i do is simple, i keep a container in the freezer (an old yogurt quart or plastic ice cream bucket) and as i go along pulling necks and giblets out of chickens or paring veggies i throw the scraps in the freezer in the bucket, all together. then when i'm ready to make stock i just pull the bucket out, thaw it enough to get everything to slide out and dump it into a pot with a bunch of water. add herbs (bay and parsley for me), pepper corns, salt, and make sure you've got celery, onion, and carrot pretty evenly represented and simmer for a few hours. strain and portion into containers to freeze. i like using those plastic yogurt containers, make sure you don't over fill so the lids wont pop off in the freezer. easy peasy and considering that you got your money's worth out of everything already, since it's made essentially from scraps, pretty much free. 

Picatta

My first date with my husband was at a local italian restaurant. it was a lovely date, and many things about it were stellar, unfortunately i ordered the chicken picatta, and it was nasty. i'm sure you've seen this stuff, the glassy, gelatinous 'picatta sauce' three or four ashamed looking capers hiding in the slime, and a monster piece of chicken. gross. simply uncalled for, that's what it is. good picatta is so easy to make, takes almost no time, and DOES NOT need corn starch. last night i tried something new: pork chops. they were quite thick so i cut them in half cross wise then pounded them out to between 1/4 and 1/2 inch in thickness. if you're using chicken you'll still want to pound it, and possibly cut it into smaller pieces, huge chunks of meat are not in keeping with a delicate dish like this. dip the meat quickly into salt and pepper seasoned flour and pat all of the excess flour off, you don't want it to be 'breaded' per se, but a bit of flour on the meat will help keep it from sticking and thicken the sauce a bit. start a good amount of olive oil heating in a large skillet, medium heat. when it's hot add the meat and cook for about 2 minutes on each side, twice. you don't really want the meat brown, you want to cook it gently. when it's done, put it on a plate for a minute. into the skillet goes a few table spoons of butter, when it's done foaming cook about a half a small onion and one or two cloves of garlic (depending on how much you're making)until soft. last night i had some baby bella mushrooms that needed cooking so i threw them in too, they went really well with everything else. the lemon is the star of the sauce though, so don't over do it with either the onion or the garlic. when everything is soft, but not brown add one table spoon of fresh chopped thyme, the zest and the juice of half a lemon, a spoon of capers, and a splash of white wine let everything simmer for a few minutes to cook the alcohol out of the wine, then put the meat back into the pan and squeeze the rest of the lemon over it, if you want it really lemony (like i do) sprinkle the rest of the lemon zest in at this point too. serve over pasta of your choice sprinkled lightly with parmesan cheese.

Zucchini Alfredo

Well it's summer here at the cottage, and that means piles and piles of zucchini! i know people who get 'too much' zucchini, but it hasn't happened to us yet, we just love that stuff. we shred them and add to pancake batter (soooo good with a little cinnamon), grill them, saute them, steam them, and stir fry them. i have three plants this year, and they're barely keeping up! i usually check them every other day or so, and i let the fruits get pretty big so they go farther. every once in a while though one slips by me and gets HUGE, and a little tough. my new favorite solution? zucchini 'pasta'. last week i found a monster hiding in my squash patch and had to think of something to do with it. my husband, uncharacteristically, asked for some sort of pasta with dinner. i'm still trying to get down to pre-baby weight so i cringed a little at the thought of pasta with dinner. i remembered seeing some recipe somewhere for zucchini spaghetti, but i think they used a mandolin slicer, which i do not own because i'm terrified of them. i decided to just shred the largest squash i had in my food processor, and use that for 'noodles'. okay, i know that i have expressed before a simple wish for food to just be happy being what it is. no turkey bacon, no tofu sausage, just let your food keep it's identity and integrity, please. so, no, i'm not really pretending that shredded zucchini is pasta. i just treated it in a way that i would also treat pasta, not because i wished that it was pasta, but because i just love squash and i also love cream sauce. as to the dish in consideration, it was also pretty darn easy to make. heat a skillet to a medium high heat, divide one head of broccoli into florettes with long stems, throw them into the pan dry, let them sit and start to sear. while the broccoli is browning (don't stir it) slice one yellow bell pepper into fairly thin slices, then cut the slices in half. remember the rule about being able to gracefully get your food into your mouth. add the peppers to the pan, let cook for just long enough for them to start to sweat with out stirring, then reduce the heat to medium and add about three table spoons of butter. once the butter is melted, but still creamy, add the shredded zucchs. salt and pepper to taste, and add a few shakes of nutmeg. ever wondered what made alfredo taste like alfredo and not just parmesan cheese? nutmeg. it's actually lovely in pretty much any cream sauce. let the squash get hot and shake in a generous amount of parmesan cheese then pour between 1/2 and 3/4 of a cup of half and half over and stir. simmer for a few minutes until the sauce just starts to thicken and pull it off before the squash gets too mushy. super good! we had ours with baked chicken, but i think actually grilled chicken sliced up and tossed in there would be better. you could also use this as a sauce and serve it over pasta, but i'm trying to avoid bread stuffs after 4 as a weight loss tip from my brother the trainer. it's working, by the way i've only got about 8 pounds to go to my first goal, and another 10 after that for my ultimate goal. (i broke it up so it wouldn't seem so daunting) anyway, please try this! don't give away squash, or let it go bad, dress it up in pasta's clothing! also, if any one at all actually reads these things, give a comment to let me know what you think.