the darker side of parenting

i've been kicking this blog around in my head for a while, and even now i hesitate to post it. i'm going to admit to some serious weakness here y'all and i'm not joking so sit down. my children are a blessing. everyday they teach me about God's love and His ideal relationship with His children. so often i see the sweetness inherent in their little souls and i am humbled more than i can say. but it's not all rainbows and basking in grace induced bliss, sometimes it's dark. sometimes i'm pregnant (often in fact) and hormonal or post partum and depressed, or to be brutally honest some times i'm just purely human and i just feel myself starting to break. our oldest child, if he were thrown to the wolves of a public school would probably be termed "special needs". we say he has "his little thing goin' on" and, well he's a challenge. that small boy saved my life, so i owe him big time and it's a good thing too because that fact pulls me back from the edge. a lot. being a parent is hard. being a spouse is hard. i give and receive more love on a daily basis than i have any right too, and still it's just a hard job. and so there are those dark times. times where i just want to puke so hard i'll die because i'm doing the first trimester roller-coaster again and instead of loving my family vacation with our best friends i stare at the waves and try to imagine how it would feel if.... if.... if maybe through completely uncontrollable circumstances tristin was pulled away. and what i'm trying to to is imagine that it would hurt. because at that time, in that dark scary time, it doesn't seem like it would. there are days when i just need a quick nap. the baby has been up all night teething, i pushed to get that extra bit of house work done, the crazy pinwheel that is my brain wouldn't stop spinning, and so i haven't slept in what feels like days and i just need sleep. and all the house is quiet and the babies are so close.... and he has one of his bizarre explosions. some noise just gurgles over and he just can't get a grip. and i just want to choke him until he can't make noise any more, because God help me at that moment i really do want just a little something, just a scrap of sleep, to keep me going more than anything else. it's selfish and i know it but i just want some blessed oblivion. or i want to read a news article, and pretend like i'm an adult for a few minutes but our second son has seen a bug/animal/dust mote in the air and wont stop asking questions even after i have tears in my eyes because i need to do something for myself but i can't because in their way children are thieves and they steal from you. time. sanity. health. peace. it's a price. all things bright and beautiful have a price. our beautiful Liturgy says it every week "a sacrifice of praise..." looking for the ray of light? so am i buddy, so am i. the thing is, it passes. you force yourself to breathe. you remember "let Us make him in Our likeness, and image" and you find a way to let it go. just for a minute. you look at that tiny face and see your Saviour and even if you can't truly be a better person you can act like one. i don't want pity. i don't deserve it, plus it makes me uncomfortable. i just want to be honest. i just want to get it out there. i'm human. i fail. i hate. i envy. i get bloody furious. but i also pray. and so the darkness comes and goes like the tide. it never completely takes over, but it also never completely leaves, because even if you can't see it you know that it's going to come knocking again. and all i can do is thank God every night for giving me this struggle, and giving me the strength to fail, and get back up. and giving these sweet boys such boundless forgiveness in their hearts. i've been pretty active off and on with the pro life debate (can you call it that? the proper term escapes me) and i see all these people going back and forth about when IT is a person or not, that all children are blessings, that all life is beautiful... and i feel like YES BUT but but.... it's like my Tanta used to say "you add some salt, because the salt helps you taste the sugar" and i think that one of the things that is being stolen from us crusaders for the family is honesty. this job is hard! it sucks! it's dirty and gross and it hurts. these little people come into your life and take everything, it's hard to be happy with out them, they can absolutely crush you with a single gesture (the baby only wants papa/mama he doesn't want me, all he does for me is cry), and you only have a measure of control for the rest of your life because just because they turn 18 doesn't magically mean you're not a parent any more. yes, it's beautiful, but who ever said that meant we couldn't admit the ugly parts? so here it is, my Achilles tendon, i'm putting a big red target right on it. i have four boys. i might have more, God willing. it's hard. sometimes i don't want to do it anymore. i'm often tired. sometimes i lock myself in the bathroom and call my husband so i can cry and threaten not to come out till gets home. it's a mess. a beautiful, wonderful, awe inspiring mess. on the other hand don't be surprised if you read in the local paper some day that i was booked for finally punching someone in the nose for saying "four? oh my, you have your hands full!" because it's a mess, but it's MY mess damn it, and i love it. i did it on purpose. and don't. you. dare. tell me that i shouldn't have had this many, or that maybe i better stop. if you really believe what you say you do, and you really think that God has your best interest at heart, then if he says to you "one, more honey, you can do it, i promise" how can you say no? how do you dare turn your back on that? let's get with it people, it's called faith, and either you have it or you don't. and that darkness? it's there, but it's not ever lonely, because i always have someone there with me, and all i have to do to see Him is grab one of my kids. if i can catch them.... 

Peanut buttery cookie goodness

Okay peeps here it is the official Roundtree Cottage approved gluten free peanut butter chocolate chip cookie. I've been playing with this one for a while. 1 cup sugar, 1 egg, 1 ripe banana, 1 cup peanut butter, 1 teaspoon baking powder, 1/2 cup chocolate chips (optional but why not?), 1 rounded teaspoon kosher salt, 1/4 to 1/8 cup golden flax seeds (to taste). Slice the banana thinly, cream together with sugar, add egg and beat until thick and creamy, add vanilla, peanut butter, salt, and baking powder. Mix well. Fold in chips and flax seed, rest in fridge for 20 minutes. Spoon drop onto baking sheets about 3 inches apart using small soup spoons. Bake at 350 for 12 minutes, enjoy! You can grind the flax if you want, or use flax meal, but whole golden seeds is what i had. If you're going the flax meal route cut back a bit. Ima warn you now, the batter looks odd, but it's SO GOOD. In cooke form that is, i did't dive into the batter once, and i'm not makin that up to look cool. It is some freaky lookin batter y'all. But don't take my word for it, try it! 

gettin' real

we're having pop corn for dinner. that's all. really. because holy humidity it's hot up here y'all. if you're wondering if this is where i turn it all around and this becomes a recipe for really awesome pop corn with bacon and hot sauce, it's not. sorry cat lady, you're gonna have to get your recipe for POP CORN elsewhere (because really???) also, if you're thinking "golly, i bet she does something really cool, where she uses corn kernels and oil and salt and teaches the kids about blessed Saint Hemma of the eye afflictions " no. just no. stop it. i'm taking a night off, the kids and Austin are watching cartoons, and i see a nice cold beer in my near future. this is real life in the cottage, just incase you were wondering. oh, friday we'll probably have filet mignon with sautéed mushrooms and some fancy something on the side, but today it's summer and we're here to relax. 

How does this work again?

Well hello..... So it's been almost a year since I posted, what with having a baby and all I've been a bit busy. I've also been suffering under this illusion that if I didn't have a recipe to talk about I didn't have anything to 'blog'. False. For instance I have an opinion regarding fish that I would like to share. Also I have recently discovered the joy of Dim Sum, and that is truly lovely. But mostly I need to pull myself out of my post partum hibernation and get back to normal life! So with much creaking and groaning and false starts I intend to get back to at least once a week posting. Oh, about the fish, Swai Basa. Delicious. I've dredged it in corn meal and fried it and it was lovely, and recently I cooked it in yellow curry with chickpeas, carrots, and butter and that was also lovely. It's great stuff, I highly recommend it.